


to be loved

by teakwood



Category: Naruto
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:46:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26028937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teakwood/pseuds/teakwood
Summary: It had taken Iruka a lot of these small encounters with former students and two months of dating to understand the look in the copy nin’s eyes.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 3
Kudos: 77





	to be loved

Naruto had been gone for almost exactly nine months when Iruka had seen the expression for the first time. He had just stopped talking with a former student of his who had just passed his Tokubetsu jounin exams and turned to ask Kakashi if he wanted to go to the new teahouse which had opened two weeks ago. He had stopped mid-sentence. There was something in Kakashi's sole exposed eye that screamed of particular sadness.

It had taken Iruka a lot of these small encounters with former students and two months of dating to understand the look in the copy nin’s eyes.

It had taken Kakashi even longer to talk about it. When he finally did, it was the middle of the night and he was chakra-depleted. Not chakra-depleted enough for someone this notorious to drain himself to go to the hospital, but enough that his tight grip on his deepest thoughts and emotions loosened. Kakashi’s questionable luck had it that Iruka was still awake.

“I destroyed them.” He thought it was quiet enough that his lover wouldn’t hear him, wouldn’t get to know his freshest layer of guilt, but he erred. Iruka heard him perfectly.  
“You didn’t. You did your best, but they needed to be separate from each other to grow.” 

“They never loved me like they loved you.” Tanned hands pressed him close to a warm chest, holding the pieces of his broken heart together. Because that’s what this was really about. Kakashi saw how all of Iruka’s former students acted towards him and compared himself to this standard. Not only that, but he saw it through a lens of self-recrimination and old guilt. It was a comparison that would only ever hurt him.

“Why would they love you like they loved me? It was so easy for them to love me, Kakashi. I treated them as the children they were. I kissed their scrapes better and praised them for all their small successes and helped them through their petty feuds and heartbreaks. I encouraged all their wildest dreams and they will always remember me this way. They see me and remember the safety and adventure of their childhood. They tell me how they have advanced and I praise them as if they are still my students. As if they are still kids, and often they are and they need this. But you? You never had the luxury to treat them like I do. You came and showed them the reality of this world. You treated them as the soldiers they had to become to survive and I’m sure they are grateful for this, even if they can’t see it yet. I know that Sakura loves you, even though she found a better teacher in Lady Tsunade. I also know that Naruto loves you, even if he calls you lazy and a pervert, because you treated him like any other boy. I cannot say that I know that Sasuke loves you, because Sasuke is in a terrible place, but it’s not your fault that he ended up there. Konoha does not take enough care of her orphans, but we can’t change that now. We can only do our best when we have them.” 

Kakashi shuddered in the brunet’s arms. “But my best wasn’t enough. They shattered under my command.” One of the tanned hands found its way to silver lock, detangling them gently.  
“Sasuke needs closure for the massacre and neither of us or the kids can give it to him. Naruto needs to experience a world that doesn't see him as a monster and he could never do that in Konoha. Sakura needs to realize that she is her own person with her own talents that matter, even though they vary widely from what Naruto and Sasuke can do. You couldn’t show her these talents because you are no medical ninja. Your best was enough. They are all still alive.”

The older man shuffled around until he could see the chuunin, dimly illuminated from the moonlight. “Why are you so sure Naruto and Sakura love me?” There was desperation in his voice, the need for absolution. At this moment, Iruka held the broken, battered heart of the last Hatake in his hands and he had to be careful not to destroy it.

“I know Naruto better than anyone. He knows that you love him, that you would sacrifice yourself for him, and therefore he loves you too. He is simple like that. Sakura asks me how you are if she sees me at the market. Every time you're admitted to the hospital she is one of your medics. Tsunade screams at you because she cares, Sakura frets quietly. I think she wants to scream too, but she is still too shy and respects you too much as to do so. She loves you because you showed her that she could be a ninja, even if her parents weren't."

It’s late and Kakashi was exhausted, emotionally and physically. He needed Iruka to be certain about what he said because he didn’t want to be rejected by the few living people he cared about. “Promise?”  
The brunet chuckled and pressed him closer. “Promise. Why don’t we ask Sakura over for dinner some time? I’m sure she would love to tell you all about her studies. Okay?” 

Kakashi nodded, the other man calming his mingled emotions. “Okay. We can do this.” He was already half asleep when he agreed and it didn’t take long for his breathing to even out. He wouldn’t remember the entire conversation the next day, chakra-depletion did that, but he remembered the sentiment. They had dinner with Sakura a few days after and he allowed himself to believe that Iruka was right. That he didn’t destroy them. That they loved him regardless.


End file.
